College Graduate: Older, Wiser, Fatter

Three years ago i was in the best shape of my life. I was working out every day and playing hockey at the college level, it lead to my body being ripped up and in it's prime.

But something happens after graduation. You start working more, and working out less. You're home cooked meals become fast-food or whatever you can find fast, so that you don't risk any of the time you might be spending on other more important things. You start drinking more. And i don't mean drinking more like it takes more drinks for you to get blacked out on a Thursday night. After college there are no more Thursday nights. You take the opportunity to grab a drink whenever it comes, and it comes a lot.

All of this happened so fast that one day i looked at myself and noticed that i'd grown a little. I didn't add any height to my 5'6'' frame. I'd added 7-8 pounds on my stomach, a real life beer belly.

I'm not talking about a large and obnoxious site like this guys:

But just a small, subtle pocket of pudge. Just enough to know it's there. And it's funny to me, because I remember on the day I decided I was going to stop working out everyday, I said to myself, "It's fine, I can take a break, because the minute i notice myself starting to get out of shape I'll be right back at the gym."

This is not the case. I rationalize it by saying that I'm too busy to get to the gym for an hour everyday. But the truth is, I just don't feel like going. So instead, I'm actually embracing my new pudge. We've become friends. I play with him in the shower, and wear baggier clothes so he doesn't get embarrassed when we go out.

The best part about having it is that there's still a six pack of abs buried underneath it. I know this because when I tighten up the abs i can still feel them, and I've had my dad punch me a few times in the stomach just to prove it's still there. I swear it would of broken his hand if there wasn't a large pillow in front to cushion the blow.

You gym-rats and meatheads might be thinking to yourself, why give up?? Why just let yourself grow a gut? My answer to you fellas would be that it simply builds character. Instead of working my ass off to get rid of something that i don't even see as much of a problem, I'm instead forced to focus on other attributes of mine that are more desirable. Things like my rugged good looks and my charming charisma. I'm also building muscle in my legs by carrying around an extra 7-8 pounds all day, and that could be good if i ever want to rejuvenate my hockey career.

Maybe one day I will actually get myself back in the gym and slave over some weights and a treadmill. But right now I just don't got the time for that. Me and my new best friend are gonna head up to Dunleavy's for a cheesesteak and some beers. And we're both gonna be damn happy about it.

Depressed? I can make you happy in 10 simple steps.

I overheard somebody on the train out of Washington saying to their friend that the only way to be truly happy is to be in love. At first i just thought this meant that people from Washington were over-sensitive lushes, but then when i got home i started noticing it more and more in everybody's facebook statuses and comments. Love this, and love that. Love is happiness, and happiness is love. Everybody seems so lonely and depressed and they think that falling in love will solve all of these problems. It's like holding onto that one last hope that love will come and save you and everything will be perfect.

I've got to tell you people, I've been in love before, a couple of times. It's not all it's cracked up to be. And even when it is good, it shouldn't be the sole income of happiness in your life. If your in a lovely relationship, then great, I'm happy for you, but I can think of ten things right off the top of my head that should make you much happier than love:

1. High Fives - Don't ever underestimate the good feeling you get by a well-timed high five. Even a fist pound or pump will do the trick. Also, A high five usually comes after something great just happened so this means you are celebrating that great moment by having another great moment, it's a double kill.

2. Songs on the radio that you immediately turn up - This is my favorite form of happiness. To be honest, driving sucks. It really does, if you enjoy it then you're wrong for liking it. But when I'm cruising along and i hear the song that i've been hoping would come on, I don't even have to think about it, my hand just automatically grabs the volume dial and bumps that shit. Roll the windows down. Drop the top. At least open the sun roof. Sing at the top of your lungs, who gives a shit if somebody sees you? You're fucking happy.

3. Good Jokes - Pretty much nothing is better than laughing. So if your the person who makes a good joke and gets everybody laughing, there's a special feeling that comes along with that. And if you're a quiet person who doesn't often make jokes, then this moment will be even better for you because you don't obtain it as often. Make any joke that you ever want to. Somebody will find it funny, even if its only yourself.

4. Hot Tubs in the Winter - There's snow falling down and you're outside in a bathing suit. What could possibly be better than that? I don't care if you're in the tub with your boys, a couple of chicks, or Snookie from the Jersey Shore, it's an incredible evening. Get a case of beer and just put them in the snow banks to stay cold, then sit in the hot water till your skin wrinkles off.

5. Paychecks - Oh my god did he really go there?? The whole money can't buy you love controversy??? Yeah, you're absolutely correct, money can NOT buy you love (And you shouldn't want it to). But it can make living life alot happier. Tell me, which of these nights did you have more fun? The night you sat at home because you couldn't afford to go out? Or the night that you balled the fuck out in Atlantic City because you just got paid? I'm going to go with the latter. Shit, finding a $20 bill in your coat pocket is better than love.

6. Wireless Internet - If you're like me, then you've got a few activities that you like to do on the good old laptop. When I lived at school with my roommates, we had a beautiful wireless router that let me tube anywhere in the house, or outside of the house. I tubed in bed, on the couch, in the backyard at BBQ's, in Cicero's closet spying on him, even on Bloomfield Avenue late at night. It was amazing. But when i moved home, my parents live in the 1960's and still have dial-up. I have to steal my neighbors wireless. It sucks. Now when I want to have a good tube sesh i have to call up friends to use their connection. Don't take you're strong Linksys signal for granted.

7. Cheesesteaks - Geno's, Pat's, Tony Lukes, the Subway down the street endorsed by Ryan Howard. I don't care where you get it, a steak and cheese sandwich is heaven on a bun. Eat them every chance you get. Just the other night with my pals Adog and Sansoni, it was about midnight and none of us had eaten all day. Instead of just grabbing something close-by, we decided to make the commitment of driving into Philly for a cheesesteak the right way. It hits the fuckin spot when you are hungry. I know all of you in the Philly suburbs have done this on numerous occasions also, try to tell me that isn't the definition of happiness.

8. You're favorite TV show - To quote Seth Rogan, "Marriage is like that show 'Everybody Loves Raymond', except it is not funny." But do you know what's still great about Everybody Loves Raymond? It IS funny. And so is Eastbound and Down. Entourage. King of Queens. South Park. The list goes on an on. Even if you don't watch funny shows, whatever you're watching is enjoyable for you and that is reason enough to be happy.

9. That specific time early in the morning when everything is funny - I know you remember these from middle school sleepovers. You stay up all night and eventually, between 4-5 a.m., every single thing out of anybodys mouth is just hilarious. As we've gotten older, if you're up this late it's usually induced by alcohol or something. But don't let that take away from the moment, it's still just as funny as you remembered. If you're the quiet guy we discussed earlier and you find yourself in this situation, take full advantage of the laughs.

10. Old People - I don't mean people clinging to life. I'm talking about that 65-80 year old range of senior citizens who already knew all of these facts of life and will tell you stories of themselves and their buddies doing these when they were younger. If you meet a cool older person, they will have a bottle of gin ready and enough stories to last all night. Bonus points if the old guy you're talking to has a kick-ass beard.

Honorable Mention. Four Loko's - I wanted to get through the list without involving something alcoholic in it, because i know that doesn't seem healthy if you refer to it as a source of happiness. But if you have ever opened a can of this delicious rat poison, then you know exactly what I'm talking about. If you haven't tried it yet, you're going to hate the first one you try. But give it another chance. A watermelon loko before going out is enough to ensure happiness all night.

If you read this entire list, then thanks for you attention. Actually i shouldn't be thanking you, you should be thanking me for giving you the secrets to a long and happy life. If you don't get enough of these things in your daily life, then i feel bad for you. Now go be happy.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but in this case keep yours to yourself.

Ever scroll through pics and find an otherwise nice looking or humorous photo? Maybe of two people or a group of people, looking generally happy or doing something funny together? We all live in the facebook age, we've all done this when scrolling through pics of friends. But then you scroll down to the comment box, and more often then not you're going to see a stupid post like this one:

"Wow, I am SUCH a great picture taker, this is like a professional photo."

or maybe this doozy:


"Who took this pic?? It looks AMAZING. You should really thank the photographer!"

and my personal fav:

"OMGZ guyzz. GR8 PIC! rn't you so glad that IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII took it for you?????!?!?!??!"

no.

Just from posting something so stupid and pointless, the general viewing public has now learned a great deal about what happened on that day when that particular photograph was captured. Here are the conclusions that i would draw upon reading this:

1. The person who owns the camera had a nice idea for a picture.
2. The person taking said picture was not asked to be a part of the picture.
3. The person who owns the camera probably did not include the eventual photographer for a reason.
4. The person taking said picture and leaving absurd comments is desperately in need of attention, and wants to show the world they that too were at this place, and just because they aren't a part of the picture doesn't mean that they aren't cool. Because they were there too, and you should know it, because they took the picture.
5. That stupid comment just ruined the whole picture.

Just let them have their picture. The photographer is not what's important. If you notice a picture that you took when browsing through photo's, and you're not a part of it, then keep your words faaaarrrrrrr away from the comment box, unless you are gonna comment on how pretty somebody looks, or how funny it is. For the love of god, don't start bragging about how great the picture is because the photographer is amazing. It's not like you used any special tactics or effects to make the picture come out so great and flawless. You pointed the camera and you clicked a button. That's it. Point and click. Done. You should leave it that way.

You're not special

Hey you. Yeah you. How many birthdays did you have? And by birthdays, I mean days that you were actually born. Your mother gave birthday to you on one day, correct? On your birth certificate it says the time and date. The DATE, not DATES, right? So why the fuck do you girls think it is necessary to celebrate a birthday for nine fuckin days straight?

It's getting really annoying when girls spread word about their "Birthday Weekend", or "Birthday Week". I even know one girl in college who wanted to celebrate her "Birthday Month". It's starting to get carried away. What's next, your "Birthday Year."?

"Hey guys I have a birthday this year!!! Lets go celebrate!!! OMG i luvss my girls, they are the best ever!!"

Do you know what guys do when it's their birthday? They go out with their guy friends the day before their birthday, and when the clock strikes midnight, the celebration is on until last call. Guys get to celebrate their birthday for an hour or two, tops. And do you want to know why? Because guys understand that a birthday is not a big fuckin deal. We don't expect to be treated special, or given anything we want just because its the anniversary of the day we were born. And we damn sure don't expect the special treatment for days or weeks on-end. That's just ludicrous, why would you want to make such a spectacle out of yourself that you would want friends and family bending over backwards for you for an extended period of time? Thats just selfish. If anybody has the right to celebrate your birthday, it's your mother for suffering through your 9 hour labor you ungrateful bitches.

There is only one exception. The 21st birthday. That is the only day that your birthday can extend beyond one day, because it is the rightful passage into adulthood. And the bar scene. But anything before or after that, get off your high horse and have a little bit of pride. Not everybody needs to celebrate your birthday, because frankly, nobody really cares about you that much. Don't put that stupid sashe on that tells everybody it's your birthday, and definitely don't wear a crown. You're not playing dress up or pretty pretty princess, you just get made fun of. Trust me. I do it and so does every other guy I know.

Oh and that guy? The one buying you drinks and telling you that you look so beautiful on your birthday? He's trying to have sex with you, not admiring your crown. He's not trying to show you how nice of a guy he is, he's telling his friends, "Hey that birthday girl looks really drunk, I bet if I go buy her some drinks I can seal the deal."

Sorry creepy guys for ruining your game plan.

Girls, grow up.

First Post

I finally decided to start a blog after years of debating the pro's and con's. I probably should have been doing this the entire time I was in college, but I'm not the type to make extra work for myself. But now that I'm a big boy and graduated, I guess I miss writing essays and articles, and it's time to get the creative juices flowing, and build some credibility as an established and professional writer. And that's why I've decided to write my first post about:



Potato Chips. Seriously though, how delicious are they? Lays, Herr's (shout out to Graig Weidinger who just got a job at the Herr's warehouse, I'm very proud of you), frito's, Doritos, Tostito's. Any kind of ito's. They are all just amazing. I don't know if doritos are actually considered a potato chip since they have all that cheese, but I'll let it slide on account of deliciousness. And have you ever put ketchup on a regular chip? It's like somewhere between your hand and your mouth the chip morphs into a french fry and gets even more delicious. It's outrageous!! If you haven't tried it, go home and try it now. You won't be disappointed.

Can't forget about Sun Chips. easily the most underrated chip of all. Here's a tip to all you fellas out there. If you're just starting to get serious with a girl, and it's time to have her over for scary movie night (don't pretend like we stopped doing this at 16, I did it last week and i know that you did too. Wrong Turn right? Yeah it never gets old), don't fill the bowl with popcorn. Fill it up with Sun Chips. But tell that chick to chew softly, cause the crunch is deadly and might wake the neighbors. Actually just turn the movie up way loud, let it drown it all out. Then you two can eat all the Sun Chips you want and not have to worry about ruining the movie. I'm estimating that you can eat about 3 bags during an hour and a half flick (plus 5 bathroom breaks for the girl because they always have to pee at the best parts). If you do this once a week for 6 months, then you guys will both be fat and sick of each other and won't have to think of some lame excuse to break up. Potato chips save the world again.