I overheard somebody on the train out of Washington saying to their friend that the only way to be truly happy is to be in love. At first i just thought this meant that people from Washington were over-sensitive lushes, but then when i got home i started noticing it more and more in everybody's facebook statuses and comments. Love this, and love that. Love is happiness, and happiness is love. Everybody seems so lonely and depressed and they think that falling in love will solve all of these problems. It's like holding onto that one last hope that love will come and save you and everything will be perfect.
I've got to tell you people, I've been in love before, a couple of times. It's not all it's cracked up to be. And even when it is good, it shouldn't be the sole income of happiness in your life. If your in a lovely relationship, then great, I'm happy for you, but I can think of ten things right off the top of my head that should make you much happier than love:
1. High Fives - Don't ever underestimate the good feeling you get by a well-timed high five. Even a fist pound or pump will do the trick. Also, A high five usually comes after something great just happened so this means you are celebrating that great moment by having another great moment, it's a double kill.
2. Songs on the radio that you immediately turn up - This is my favorite form of happiness. To be honest, driving sucks. It really does, if you enjoy it then you're wrong for liking it. But when I'm cruising along and i hear the song that i've been hoping would come on, I don't even have to think about it, my hand just automatically grabs the volume dial and bumps that shit. Roll the windows down. Drop the top. At least open the sun roof. Sing at the top of your lungs, who gives a shit if somebody sees you? You're fucking happy.
3. Good Jokes - Pretty much nothing is better than laughing. So if your the person who makes a good joke and gets everybody laughing, there's a special feeling that comes along with that. And if you're a quiet person who doesn't often make jokes, then this moment will be even better for you because you don't obtain it as often. Make any joke that you ever want to. Somebody will find it funny, even if its only yourself.
4. Hot Tubs in the Winter - There's snow falling down and you're outside in a bathing suit. What could possibly be better than that? I don't care if you're in the tub with your boys, a couple of chicks, or Snookie from the Jersey Shore, it's an incredible evening. Get a case of beer and just put them in the snow banks to stay cold, then sit in the hot water till your skin wrinkles off.
5. Paychecks - Oh my god did he really go there?? The whole money can't buy you love controversy??? Yeah, you're absolutely correct, money can NOT buy you love (And you shouldn't want it to). But it can make living life alot happier. Tell me, which of these nights did you have more fun? The night you sat at home because you couldn't afford to go out? Or the night that you balled the fuck out in Atlantic City because you just got paid? I'm going to go with the latter. Shit, finding a $20 bill in your coat pocket is better than love.
6. Wireless Internet - If you're like me, then you've got a few activities that you like to do on the good old laptop. When I lived at school with my roommates, we had a beautiful wireless router that let me tube anywhere in the house, or outside of the house. I tubed in bed, on the couch, in the backyard at BBQ's, in Cicero's closet spying on him, even on Bloomfield Avenue late at night. It was amazing. But when i moved home, my parents live in the 1960's and still have dial-up. I have to steal my neighbors wireless. It sucks. Now when I want to have a good tube sesh i have to call up friends to use their connection. Don't take you're strong Linksys signal for granted.
7. Cheesesteaks - Geno's, Pat's, Tony Lukes, the Subway down the street endorsed by Ryan Howard. I don't care where you get it, a steak and cheese sandwich is heaven on a bun. Eat them every chance you get. Just the other night with my pals Adog and Sansoni, it was about midnight and none of us had eaten all day. Instead of just grabbing something close-by, we decided to make the commitment of driving into Philly for a cheesesteak the right way. It hits the fuckin spot when you are hungry. I know all of you in the Philly suburbs have done this on numerous occasions also, try to tell me that isn't the definition of happiness.
8. You're favorite TV show - To quote Seth Rogan, "Marriage is like that show 'Everybody Loves Raymond', except it is not funny." But do you know what's still great about Everybody Loves Raymond? It IS funny. And so is Eastbound and Down. Entourage. King of Queens. South Park. The list goes on an on. Even if you don't watch funny shows, whatever you're watching is enjoyable for you and that is reason enough to be happy.
9. That specific time early in the morning when everything is funny - I know you remember these from middle school sleepovers. You stay up all night and eventually, between 4-5 a.m., every single thing out of anybodys mouth is just hilarious. As we've gotten older, if you're up this late it's usually induced by alcohol or something. But don't let that take away from the moment, it's still just as funny as you remembered. If you're the quiet guy we discussed earlier and you find yourself in this situation, take full advantage of the laughs.
10. Old People - I don't mean people clinging to life. I'm talking about that 65-80 year old range of senior citizens who already knew all of these facts of life and will tell you stories of themselves and their buddies doing these when they were younger. If you meet a cool older person, they will have a bottle of gin ready and enough stories to last all night. Bonus points if the old guy you're talking to has a kick-ass beard.
Honorable Mention. Four Loko's - I wanted to get through the list without involving something alcoholic in it, because i know that doesn't seem healthy if you refer to it as a source of happiness. But if you have ever opened a can of this delicious rat poison, then you know exactly what I'm talking about. If you haven't tried it yet, you're going to hate the first one you try. But give it another chance. A watermelon loko before going out is enough to ensure happiness all night.
If you read this entire list, then thanks for you attention. Actually i shouldn't be thanking you, you should be thanking me for giving you the secrets to a long and happy life. If you don't get enough of these things in your daily life, then i feel bad for you. Now go be happy.
