Lacey Chabert; You Should Date Me

Dear Lacey,

We haven't met yet, but I'm pretty sure that you should be my next girlfriend. I feel like we'd go so well together, like two pieces of a puzzle that fit perfectly together. And i'm not talking about the gay outside pieces of the puzzle, the ones that everyone picks out of the box as soon as its open to make the border. No no no, we are the important center pieces. The ones that give the picture its form. The strong, independent pieces that would be fine on their own, but look so much better when they are put together.

Let me explain. You're a million dollar actress. But i still feel like I have so much to offer you. I'm not a gold digger, Lacey, I make my own money. So what if its only a little over $30,000 a year? I'd be willing to share all of that with you. We could split it right down the middle. That 15-17k you get from me could buy you a very nice fine china dining set for youf quarter million dollar dining room. Consider it my house warming gift to you.

And, yeah, I'm a little bit on the short side. I'm listed at 5'6''. But Chickipedia.com has you listed a 5'3''!! Tell me thats not a match made in heaven! You could still wear 3 inch heels at our wedding! I'd pump myself a half inch up with some dollar-store hush puppies and BOOM! Still taller, while you look beautiful it all that white.

Did i mention I'm college educated? Lets forget the part about how it took me six years to get a four degree. Life's a marathon, not a sprint, right? Plus i changed majors, i picked up minors, I took extra classes... I'm a modern day renaissance man. I've got so much knowledge up here in my brain that I could solve any problem that might come our way. And, Lace, can i call you Lace? Lace, if there's one thing I learned in college, it's calculus. You know what it says?

 It says you.

Plus me

Equals us. (I know I'm a little bit cuter than you, but it's something your just going to have to try to see past if you want to make this thing work.)

Seriously. Just imagine the two of us riding down the freeway without a care in the world. The sun is shining and my air conditioning doesn't work, so we roll the windows down. And I don't have a convertable, but I do have a sun roof. We can open that shit up and laugh into the wind. You know what? Why don't you drive? I'm really good at riding shotgun.

And I know you've been working as an actress for a long time. I've been a fan since Lost in Space. Not even kidding. It's been that long. I was probably 10 years old and you were my first real crush. If I was a child actor I'm sure I would have been yours too. I used to hear I looked alot like Johnathan Taylor Thomas. Now I hear Brad Pitt. (Or Rob Dyrdek). What a combo right?

and you're only 28 years old now girl, so we have plenty of living left to make up for lost time. I heard you don't date guys under 25, so you're in luck. I turn that magical number in less than a month. I'd love it if you made your way out to New Jersey for my birthday party. And like I said girl, I don't mind sharing. My birthday is your birthday. We can do whatever you like. Bring some friends, I've got plenty. And they are all DTF so tell your girlies no worries about trying to impress anybody. I mean I know it would be a little intimidating to come out and hang out with us guys, but we're not snobs, we'd be polite to all of them.

Except the ugly ones.

So what do you say Lace? You wanna make this thing official? I'm ready when you are. Lets not spend our lives like those puzzle pieces that stay in the box and never form the picture. Lets find our way to the center of the table and complete this son of a bitch. Because, honestly, the outside is what everybody notices at first, and it's definitely the easiest part to put together. But the puzzle would just look stupid without the inside. Lets give this world something to look at.

Love always,

Jeff