You Can't Beat Neat

I'm at work right now, and I think I just had an epiphany.

You see, I've never been the neatest person. My room is always a mess. My car has shit thrown in and out of it, and at the end of a long work night, I usually just leave without cleaning anything off of my desk. I have fast-food paraphernalia littered all over it.

Before coming in today, I stopped at Dunkin Donuts and got myself a large Strawberry Coolata. The perfect way to stay refreshed for a few hours while typing on a computer. In the middle of writing (something interesting, I'm sure of it) I reached over for my cup without taking my eyes off the screen. I took a big sip through the straw expecting to taste the berry delightfulness, that amazing refreshment that could pick me up and keep me going.

But there were no berries. There was no delight. I did not keep going.

It got ugly.

I had just received a giant mouthful of five-day old Coca-Cola from Taco Bell.

Needless to say I ran to the bathroom and dry-heaved for a few minutes. I splashed water on my face and rubbed my tongue on paper towels until my taste buds were gone. Then I dry-heaved again.

When I got back to my desk, not even my coolata could save me. I threw every single thing with a name-brand on it in the trash can and thought to myself, "Why do I live like this? It takes two fucking minutes to throw garbage out and straighten up."

The car is next. And the room eventually. Everything is getting cleaned out, I can't take it anymore. One mouthful of old, flat, disgusting soda is enough to change a mans life.




Who am I kidding? This won't last a week.