Back Like He Forgot Something: Cliff Lee Belongs in Philadelphia

Some things are just meant to be.

Sometimes it's determination that brings two sides together, like digging a tunnel through a mountain starting on opposite sides. Amd Sometimes it's opposite effects, like the positive and negative charges of magnets. But sometimes it's just a feeling, like how everybody who saw "Forrest Gump" for the first time just knew that Forrest and Jenny would end up together in the end, no matter how different their lives may have been.

For whatever the reason may be, Cliff Lee was born to wear Phillies red.

While the Texas Rangers and New York Yankees chased him around for the past few weeks, Lee went on hunting trips with his buddies. Lee's agent Darek Braunecker entertained the offers from those teams, while his star client was relaxing after another deep post-season run. Everybody in the sporting world thought that Lee and Braunecker were waiting for one of those two teams to buckle, and snag the best offer at some point this winter, making Lee one of the highest paid athletes on the planet.

But it turns out that Lee was looking for something a little more than money.

When news broke of a third-party "Mystery Team" entering the discussions, I think everybody in New York and Texas cringed a little, and I'm willing to bet that most sports fans in America had that 'feeling' that it was the Philadelphia Phillies getting ready to make an offer.

Lee turned down more money, more years, more publicity, and probably more playing time to rejoin the team that he helped reach the World Series in 2009. As always, the respectful Lee was classy about the situation and called Rangers GM Jon Daniels to break the news himself.

"People rag on players for following that last dollar. Cliff didn't do that. I have a lot of respect for him." Daniels said after the phone call. (1)

Chalk that one up for one of sports' good guys.

With Texas out of the way, it was clear the Philly was the only other option, because, lets face it, after the way Yankees fans treated Lee's wife during last year's ALCS, I don't think New York stood a chance. Fans spit, threw beer, and cursed at her while she sat with other family members of Rangers players.

"The fans did not do good things in my heart," Lee's wife, Kristin, told USA Today. "When people are staring at you, and saying horrible things, it's hard not to take it personal." (2)

I bet those fans are kicking themselves now, huh? If you Yankees fans are looking for somebody to blame over this, I'd say don't look to crucify Lee, look at whoever is sitting next to you the next time you visit Yankees Stadium.

The bottom line in the story is that Lee wanted to be in Philadelphia. You heard weeks of talks with the other two, and then after one day of speculation in Philly and he's signing a contract. That's not a coincidence, that's a man that knows what he wants. And that's exactly why Lee belongs in Philadelphia. He relates to the people, the die-hard fans of the team who probably would have given a year of their paychecks to have him come back to us. But Lee didn't want our money. He wanted our hearts. He wanted exactly what we gave him during that 2009 playoff run, where the entire city was behind him in a way that no other city has shown him since then. And Thanks to Ruben Amaro Jr. showing up fashionably late to the Lee sweepstakes, us fans can give him exactly that for the next 6 years of our lives.

So I say this to all of you true Phillies fans; Embrace it. By signing this contract, Lee is telling each and every one of you personally that there is nowhere else on the planet that he would rather be. He wants you to tailgate games that he's starting and wear Cliff Lee jerseys and shirts. He wants you to make signs that say "Cliff Banga!" and stand behind him for each pitch. He wants you to be loud, and wave rally towels, not gay pom-poms like San Francisco did in the NLCS and World Series. In other words, he wants you to be the way that Philadelphia fans have always been, because he's personally telling you that he feels you are the best at what you do.

I agree with him, and think there's not a chance in the world that we'll let him down.

Quotes were used in this blog from
(1) MLB.com
http://mlb.mlb.com/news/article.jsp?ymd=20101213&content_id=16311236&vkey=news_nyy&c_id=nyy&partnerId=rss_nyy

And

(2) ESPN.com
http://sports.espn.go.com/new-york/mlb/news/story?id=5729471

Remember Myspace? Me Neither...

It's kind of hard to picture it now, but Myspace.com used to be the most popular social network on the internet. I remember girls getting mad if they weren't in your top eight, and songs playing on your main page for the viewers. Facebook was just a budding idea in the brain of a genius, starting to sprout up around college campuses in the northeast, but like a proud older brother, Myspace ruled the world.


At first, they competed with each other like a sibling rivalry should. Myspace added a messenger, and Facebook added a messenger. Facebook added tagged photo's, and Myspace added tagged photo's. But eventually the tide began to turn. Myspace got movie shout outs, ("So you guys on myspace orr??") but Facebook got movies (The Social Network, obv). Users were jumping ship. The Last Log-in timers that used to read 5 minutes ago now all read September 2009. It's almost as if Myspace just up and admitted that it's younger brother had become cooler and gave up.


Now I'm not saying that Myspace is terrible, I think it was ahead of its time and I respect it. But if there was a family Christmas party for websites, I think Facebook would show up in a limo with a hot date named Twitter, while Myspace would show up 2 hours late, hammered drunk, with it's nagging girlfriend Photobucket. It's not hard to imagine who Google and Yahoo! would be following around all night trying to talk to.


In all honesty, I think Myspace did it to itself. Facebook put a name to it's genius in  Mark Zuckerberg. All we knew about the creator of Myspace was that he was some weird guy named Tom with a white t-shirt.

We never even learned Toms last name. He was just that guy who added every single person as a friend as soon as they made an account. And even as with being on everybody's friends list, he was never able to attain celebrity status on his own site. The most famous person that came away from Myspace was Tila Tequila.

Yet the most famous person from Facebok was Zuckerberg himself. Like the little brother that it was, it looked at the things that it's older sibling did that worked, and then added original ideas by itself to improve. Facebook built it's name by one-upping big brother to death. And just as it goes in life, It didn't take long for Graig Weidinger to become cooler than Beav, the younger brother succeeded.



Myspace still serves a purpose these days (I think?). It's the place where new bands and struggling comedians make pages and try to start a fan-base. But Facebook hosts "like" pages for already established bands and actors where fans can interact with the click of a button. NewsCorp, the company that bought Myspace in 2005 for $580 million dollars says they are open to selling, but they are waiting for the site to become profitable again.

Profitable???? We talkin about Playoffs???? Myspace blew that money so fast and you can catch him now sleeping on Atlantic City benches and begging tourists on Tennessee Ave for spare change to buy a 40 oz. of Old English. Facebook rules the world now and I don't foresee anything changing that in the near future. It's continuing to grow, (I heard some ridiculous stat that one of every three people in the world has an account, insane, I know) and it's making AOL and Hotmail two very, very proud parents.

Somewhere, Myspace just crawled into a ditch and stayed there.

Facebook didn't even organize a funeral.

Lacey Chabert; You Should Date Me

Dear Lacey,

We haven't met yet, but I'm pretty sure that you should be my next girlfriend. I feel like we'd go so well together, like two pieces of a puzzle that fit perfectly together. And i'm not talking about the gay outside pieces of the puzzle, the ones that everyone picks out of the box as soon as its open to make the border. No no no, we are the important center pieces. The ones that give the picture its form. The strong, independent pieces that would be fine on their own, but look so much better when they are put together.

Let me explain. You're a million dollar actress. But i still feel like I have so much to offer you. I'm not a gold digger, Lacey, I make my own money. So what if its only a little over $30,000 a year? I'd be willing to share all of that with you. We could split it right down the middle. That 15-17k you get from me could buy you a very nice fine china dining set for youf quarter million dollar dining room. Consider it my house warming gift to you.

And, yeah, I'm a little bit on the short side. I'm listed at 5'6''. But Chickipedia.com has you listed a 5'3''!! Tell me thats not a match made in heaven! You could still wear 3 inch heels at our wedding! I'd pump myself a half inch up with some dollar-store hush puppies and BOOM! Still taller, while you look beautiful it all that white.

Did i mention I'm college educated? Lets forget the part about how it took me six years to get a four degree. Life's a marathon, not a sprint, right? Plus i changed majors, i picked up minors, I took extra classes... I'm a modern day renaissance man. I've got so much knowledge up here in my brain that I could solve any problem that might come our way. And, Lace, can i call you Lace? Lace, if there's one thing I learned in college, it's calculus. You know what it says?

 It says you.

Plus me

Equals us. (I know I'm a little bit cuter than you, but it's something your just going to have to try to see past if you want to make this thing work.)

Seriously. Just imagine the two of us riding down the freeway without a care in the world. The sun is shining and my air conditioning doesn't work, so we roll the windows down. And I don't have a convertable, but I do have a sun roof. We can open that shit up and laugh into the wind. You know what? Why don't you drive? I'm really good at riding shotgun.

And I know you've been working as an actress for a long time. I've been a fan since Lost in Space. Not even kidding. It's been that long. I was probably 10 years old and you were my first real crush. If I was a child actor I'm sure I would have been yours too. I used to hear I looked alot like Johnathan Taylor Thomas. Now I hear Brad Pitt. (Or Rob Dyrdek). What a combo right?

and you're only 28 years old now girl, so we have plenty of living left to make up for lost time. I heard you don't date guys under 25, so you're in luck. I turn that magical number in less than a month. I'd love it if you made your way out to New Jersey for my birthday party. And like I said girl, I don't mind sharing. My birthday is your birthday. We can do whatever you like. Bring some friends, I've got plenty. And they are all DTF so tell your girlies no worries about trying to impress anybody. I mean I know it would be a little intimidating to come out and hang out with us guys, but we're not snobs, we'd be polite to all of them.

Except the ugly ones.

So what do you say Lace? You wanna make this thing official? I'm ready when you are. Lets not spend our lives like those puzzle pieces that stay in the box and never form the picture. Lets find our way to the center of the table and complete this son of a bitch. Because, honestly, the outside is what everybody notices at first, and it's definitely the easiest part to put together. But the puzzle would just look stupid without the inside. Lets give this world something to look at.

Love always,

Jeff

You Can't Beat Neat

I'm at work right now, and I think I just had an epiphany.

You see, I've never been the neatest person. My room is always a mess. My car has shit thrown in and out of it, and at the end of a long work night, I usually just leave without cleaning anything off of my desk. I have fast-food paraphernalia littered all over it.

Before coming in today, I stopped at Dunkin Donuts and got myself a large Strawberry Coolata. The perfect way to stay refreshed for a few hours while typing on a computer. In the middle of writing (something interesting, I'm sure of it) I reached over for my cup without taking my eyes off the screen. I took a big sip through the straw expecting to taste the berry delightfulness, that amazing refreshment that could pick me up and keep me going.

But there were no berries. There was no delight. I did not keep going.

It got ugly.

I had just received a giant mouthful of five-day old Coca-Cola from Taco Bell.

Needless to say I ran to the bathroom and dry-heaved for a few minutes. I splashed water on my face and rubbed my tongue on paper towels until my taste buds were gone. Then I dry-heaved again.

When I got back to my desk, not even my coolata could save me. I threw every single thing with a name-brand on it in the trash can and thought to myself, "Why do I live like this? It takes two fucking minutes to throw garbage out and straighten up."

The car is next. And the room eventually. Everything is getting cleaned out, I can't take it anymore. One mouthful of old, flat, disgusting soda is enough to change a mans life.




Who am I kidding? This won't last a week.

College Graduate: Older, Wiser, Fatter

Three years ago i was in the best shape of my life. I was working out every day and playing hockey at the college level, it lead to my body being ripped up and in it's prime.

But something happens after graduation. You start working more, and working out less. You're home cooked meals become fast-food or whatever you can find fast, so that you don't risk any of the time you might be spending on other more important things. You start drinking more. And i don't mean drinking more like it takes more drinks for you to get blacked out on a Thursday night. After college there are no more Thursday nights. You take the opportunity to grab a drink whenever it comes, and it comes a lot.

All of this happened so fast that one day i looked at myself and noticed that i'd grown a little. I didn't add any height to my 5'6'' frame. I'd added 7-8 pounds on my stomach, a real life beer belly.

I'm not talking about a large and obnoxious site like this guys:

But just a small, subtle pocket of pudge. Just enough to know it's there. And it's funny to me, because I remember on the day I decided I was going to stop working out everyday, I said to myself, "It's fine, I can take a break, because the minute i notice myself starting to get out of shape I'll be right back at the gym."

This is not the case. I rationalize it by saying that I'm too busy to get to the gym for an hour everyday. But the truth is, I just don't feel like going. So instead, I'm actually embracing my new pudge. We've become friends. I play with him in the shower, and wear baggier clothes so he doesn't get embarrassed when we go out.

The best part about having it is that there's still a six pack of abs buried underneath it. I know this because when I tighten up the abs i can still feel them, and I've had my dad punch me a few times in the stomach just to prove it's still there. I swear it would of broken his hand if there wasn't a large pillow in front to cushion the blow.

You gym-rats and meatheads might be thinking to yourself, why give up?? Why just let yourself grow a gut? My answer to you fellas would be that it simply builds character. Instead of working my ass off to get rid of something that i don't even see as much of a problem, I'm instead forced to focus on other attributes of mine that are more desirable. Things like my rugged good looks and my charming charisma. I'm also building muscle in my legs by carrying around an extra 7-8 pounds all day, and that could be good if i ever want to rejuvenate my hockey career.

Maybe one day I will actually get myself back in the gym and slave over some weights and a treadmill. But right now I just don't got the time for that. Me and my new best friend are gonna head up to Dunleavy's for a cheesesteak and some beers. And we're both gonna be damn happy about it.

Depressed? I can make you happy in 10 simple steps.

I overheard somebody on the train out of Washington saying to their friend that the only way to be truly happy is to be in love. At first i just thought this meant that people from Washington were over-sensitive lushes, but then when i got home i started noticing it more and more in everybody's facebook statuses and comments. Love this, and love that. Love is happiness, and happiness is love. Everybody seems so lonely and depressed and they think that falling in love will solve all of these problems. It's like holding onto that one last hope that love will come and save you and everything will be perfect.

I've got to tell you people, I've been in love before, a couple of times. It's not all it's cracked up to be. And even when it is good, it shouldn't be the sole income of happiness in your life. If your in a lovely relationship, then great, I'm happy for you, but I can think of ten things right off the top of my head that should make you much happier than love:

1. High Fives - Don't ever underestimate the good feeling you get by a well-timed high five. Even a fist pound or pump will do the trick. Also, A high five usually comes after something great just happened so this means you are celebrating that great moment by having another great moment, it's a double kill.

2. Songs on the radio that you immediately turn up - This is my favorite form of happiness. To be honest, driving sucks. It really does, if you enjoy it then you're wrong for liking it. But when I'm cruising along and i hear the song that i've been hoping would come on, I don't even have to think about it, my hand just automatically grabs the volume dial and bumps that shit. Roll the windows down. Drop the top. At least open the sun roof. Sing at the top of your lungs, who gives a shit if somebody sees you? You're fucking happy.

3. Good Jokes - Pretty much nothing is better than laughing. So if your the person who makes a good joke and gets everybody laughing, there's a special feeling that comes along with that. And if you're a quiet person who doesn't often make jokes, then this moment will be even better for you because you don't obtain it as often. Make any joke that you ever want to. Somebody will find it funny, even if its only yourself.

4. Hot Tubs in the Winter - There's snow falling down and you're outside in a bathing suit. What could possibly be better than that? I don't care if you're in the tub with your boys, a couple of chicks, or Snookie from the Jersey Shore, it's an incredible evening. Get a case of beer and just put them in the snow banks to stay cold, then sit in the hot water till your skin wrinkles off.

5. Paychecks - Oh my god did he really go there?? The whole money can't buy you love controversy??? Yeah, you're absolutely correct, money can NOT buy you love (And you shouldn't want it to). But it can make living life alot happier. Tell me, which of these nights did you have more fun? The night you sat at home because you couldn't afford to go out? Or the night that you balled the fuck out in Atlantic City because you just got paid? I'm going to go with the latter. Shit, finding a $20 bill in your coat pocket is better than love.

6. Wireless Internet - If you're like me, then you've got a few activities that you like to do on the good old laptop. When I lived at school with my roommates, we had a beautiful wireless router that let me tube anywhere in the house, or outside of the house. I tubed in bed, on the couch, in the backyard at BBQ's, in Cicero's closet spying on him, even on Bloomfield Avenue late at night. It was amazing. But when i moved home, my parents live in the 1960's and still have dial-up. I have to steal my neighbors wireless. It sucks. Now when I want to have a good tube sesh i have to call up friends to use their connection. Don't take you're strong Linksys signal for granted.

7. Cheesesteaks - Geno's, Pat's, Tony Lukes, the Subway down the street endorsed by Ryan Howard. I don't care where you get it, a steak and cheese sandwich is heaven on a bun. Eat them every chance you get. Just the other night with my pals Adog and Sansoni, it was about midnight and none of us had eaten all day. Instead of just grabbing something close-by, we decided to make the commitment of driving into Philly for a cheesesteak the right way. It hits the fuckin spot when you are hungry. I know all of you in the Philly suburbs have done this on numerous occasions also, try to tell me that isn't the definition of happiness.

8. You're favorite TV show - To quote Seth Rogan, "Marriage is like that show 'Everybody Loves Raymond', except it is not funny." But do you know what's still great about Everybody Loves Raymond? It IS funny. And so is Eastbound and Down. Entourage. King of Queens. South Park. The list goes on an on. Even if you don't watch funny shows, whatever you're watching is enjoyable for you and that is reason enough to be happy.

9. That specific time early in the morning when everything is funny - I know you remember these from middle school sleepovers. You stay up all night and eventually, between 4-5 a.m., every single thing out of anybodys mouth is just hilarious. As we've gotten older, if you're up this late it's usually induced by alcohol or something. But don't let that take away from the moment, it's still just as funny as you remembered. If you're the quiet guy we discussed earlier and you find yourself in this situation, take full advantage of the laughs.

10. Old People - I don't mean people clinging to life. I'm talking about that 65-80 year old range of senior citizens who already knew all of these facts of life and will tell you stories of themselves and their buddies doing these when they were younger. If you meet a cool older person, they will have a bottle of gin ready and enough stories to last all night. Bonus points if the old guy you're talking to has a kick-ass beard.

Honorable Mention. Four Loko's - I wanted to get through the list without involving something alcoholic in it, because i know that doesn't seem healthy if you refer to it as a source of happiness. But if you have ever opened a can of this delicious rat poison, then you know exactly what I'm talking about. If you haven't tried it yet, you're going to hate the first one you try. But give it another chance. A watermelon loko before going out is enough to ensure happiness all night.

If you read this entire list, then thanks for you attention. Actually i shouldn't be thanking you, you should be thanking me for giving you the secrets to a long and happy life. If you don't get enough of these things in your daily life, then i feel bad for you. Now go be happy.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but in this case keep yours to yourself.

Ever scroll through pics and find an otherwise nice looking or humorous photo? Maybe of two people or a group of people, looking generally happy or doing something funny together? We all live in the facebook age, we've all done this when scrolling through pics of friends. But then you scroll down to the comment box, and more often then not you're going to see a stupid post like this one:

"Wow, I am SUCH a great picture taker, this is like a professional photo."

or maybe this doozy:


"Who took this pic?? It looks AMAZING. You should really thank the photographer!"

and my personal fav:

"OMGZ guyzz. GR8 PIC! rn't you so glad that IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII took it for you?????!?!?!??!"

no.

Just from posting something so stupid and pointless, the general viewing public has now learned a great deal about what happened on that day when that particular photograph was captured. Here are the conclusions that i would draw upon reading this:

1. The person who owns the camera had a nice idea for a picture.
2. The person taking said picture was not asked to be a part of the picture.
3. The person who owns the camera probably did not include the eventual photographer for a reason.
4. The person taking said picture and leaving absurd comments is desperately in need of attention, and wants to show the world they that too were at this place, and just because they aren't a part of the picture doesn't mean that they aren't cool. Because they were there too, and you should know it, because they took the picture.
5. That stupid comment just ruined the whole picture.

Just let them have their picture. The photographer is not what's important. If you notice a picture that you took when browsing through photo's, and you're not a part of it, then keep your words faaaarrrrrrr away from the comment box, unless you are gonna comment on how pretty somebody looks, or how funny it is. For the love of god, don't start bragging about how great the picture is because the photographer is amazing. It's not like you used any special tactics or effects to make the picture come out so great and flawless. You pointed the camera and you clicked a button. That's it. Point and click. Done. You should leave it that way.

You're not special

Hey you. Yeah you. How many birthdays did you have? And by birthdays, I mean days that you were actually born. Your mother gave birthday to you on one day, correct? On your birth certificate it says the time and date. The DATE, not DATES, right? So why the fuck do you girls think it is necessary to celebrate a birthday for nine fuckin days straight?

It's getting really annoying when girls spread word about their "Birthday Weekend", or "Birthday Week". I even know one girl in college who wanted to celebrate her "Birthday Month". It's starting to get carried away. What's next, your "Birthday Year."?

"Hey guys I have a birthday this year!!! Lets go celebrate!!! OMG i luvss my girls, they are the best ever!!"

Do you know what guys do when it's their birthday? They go out with their guy friends the day before their birthday, and when the clock strikes midnight, the celebration is on until last call. Guys get to celebrate their birthday for an hour or two, tops. And do you want to know why? Because guys understand that a birthday is not a big fuckin deal. We don't expect to be treated special, or given anything we want just because its the anniversary of the day we were born. And we damn sure don't expect the special treatment for days or weeks on-end. That's just ludicrous, why would you want to make such a spectacle out of yourself that you would want friends and family bending over backwards for you for an extended period of time? Thats just selfish. If anybody has the right to celebrate your birthday, it's your mother for suffering through your 9 hour labor you ungrateful bitches.

There is only one exception. The 21st birthday. That is the only day that your birthday can extend beyond one day, because it is the rightful passage into adulthood. And the bar scene. But anything before or after that, get off your high horse and have a little bit of pride. Not everybody needs to celebrate your birthday, because frankly, nobody really cares about you that much. Don't put that stupid sashe on that tells everybody it's your birthday, and definitely don't wear a crown. You're not playing dress up or pretty pretty princess, you just get made fun of. Trust me. I do it and so does every other guy I know.

Oh and that guy? The one buying you drinks and telling you that you look so beautiful on your birthday? He's trying to have sex with you, not admiring your crown. He's not trying to show you how nice of a guy he is, he's telling his friends, "Hey that birthday girl looks really drunk, I bet if I go buy her some drinks I can seal the deal."

Sorry creepy guys for ruining your game plan.

Girls, grow up.

First Post

I finally decided to start a blog after years of debating the pro's and con's. I probably should have been doing this the entire time I was in college, but I'm not the type to make extra work for myself. But now that I'm a big boy and graduated, I guess I miss writing essays and articles, and it's time to get the creative juices flowing, and build some credibility as an established and professional writer. And that's why I've decided to write my first post about:



Potato Chips. Seriously though, how delicious are they? Lays, Herr's (shout out to Graig Weidinger who just got a job at the Herr's warehouse, I'm very proud of you), frito's, Doritos, Tostito's. Any kind of ito's. They are all just amazing. I don't know if doritos are actually considered a potato chip since they have all that cheese, but I'll let it slide on account of deliciousness. And have you ever put ketchup on a regular chip? It's like somewhere between your hand and your mouth the chip morphs into a french fry and gets even more delicious. It's outrageous!! If you haven't tried it, go home and try it now. You won't be disappointed.

Can't forget about Sun Chips. easily the most underrated chip of all. Here's a tip to all you fellas out there. If you're just starting to get serious with a girl, and it's time to have her over for scary movie night (don't pretend like we stopped doing this at 16, I did it last week and i know that you did too. Wrong Turn right? Yeah it never gets old), don't fill the bowl with popcorn. Fill it up with Sun Chips. But tell that chick to chew softly, cause the crunch is deadly and might wake the neighbors. Actually just turn the movie up way loud, let it drown it all out. Then you two can eat all the Sun Chips you want and not have to worry about ruining the movie. I'm estimating that you can eat about 3 bags during an hour and a half flick (plus 5 bathroom breaks for the girl because they always have to pee at the best parts). If you do this once a week for 6 months, then you guys will both be fat and sick of each other and won't have to think of some lame excuse to break up. Potato chips save the world again.